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Let these funny John C. Maxwell Quotes lighten up your life. And check out the humorous quotes of many more funny authors in my large collection.
People don't care how much you know
until they know how much they care.
- John C. Maxwell
Life is like jumping out of an airplane without a parachute -
only the last couple seconds are fatal,
but most people are scared to death the whole way down.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie 
Morality is simply the attitude we adopt
towards people whom we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde
Religion is the masterpiece of the art of animal training,
for it trains people as to how they should think.
- Arthur Schopenhauer
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The Lord prefers common-looking people.
That is why he makes so many of them.
- Abraham Lincoln
We make our friends; we make our enemies;
but God makes our next-door neighbor.
- Gilbert (G. K.) Chesterton
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
- Mark Twain
I wanted to see exotic Vietnam, the jewel of Southeast Asia.
I, uh, I wanted to meet interesting
and stimulating people of an ancient culture,
and kill them.
- the movie Full Metal Jacket
Too bad all the people who know how to run this country
are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
- George Burns
When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland
Some cause happiness wherever they go;
others whenever they go.
- Oscar Wilde
The more you explain it, the more I don't understand it.
- Mark Twain
I think you're the opposite of a paranoid.
I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
- Albert Einstein
In critical moments men sometimes see
exactly what they wish to see.
- the character Spock of the television series Star Trek
Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands?
And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry.
- John Lennon
Half the people you know are below average.
- Anonymous
Half the world is composed of idiots,
the other half, of people clever enough
to take indecent advantage of them.
- Walter Kerr
"But I don't want to go among mad people," said Alice.
"Oh, you can't help that," said the cat. "We're all mad here."
- Lewis Carroll
The whole problem with the world is that
fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves,
but wiser people so full of doubts.
- Bertrand Russell
If you're going to tell people the truth,
be funny or they'll kill you.
- Billy Wilder
Love is what makes two people
sit in the middle of a park bench
when there is plenty of room at both ends.
- Anonymous
Always do the right thing.
It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
- Mark Twain
Knowing your own darkness is the best method
for dealing with the darknesses of other people.
- Carl Jung
Clothes make the man.
Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- Mark Twain
There is no use whatsoever trying to help
people who do not help themselves.
You cannot push anyone up a ladder
unless he is willing to climb himself.
- Andrew Carnegie
Too many people spend money they haven't earned,
to buy things they don't want,
to impress people they don't like.
- Will Rogers
I only wish that ordinary people
had an unlimited capacity for doing harm;
then they might have an unlimited power for doing good.
- Socrates
The church is always trying to get other people to reform;
it might not be a bad idea to reform itself a little,
by way of example.
- Mark Twain
When dealing with people, remember you are
not dealing with creatures of logic,
but creatures of emotion.
- Dale Carnegie
Most people's historical perspective
begins with the day of their birth.
- Rush Limbaugh
In religion and politics, people's belief's and convictions
are in almost every case gotten at second hand,
and without examination
- Mark Twain
People say conversation is a lost art;
how often I have wished it were.
- Edward R. Murrow
I love mankind, it's people I can't stand.
- Charles M. Schulz
Being a leader is like being a lady,
if you have to go around telling people you are one, you aren't.
- Margaret Thatcher
A common denominator of all religions is that
they have the power to bring out the best and the worst in people.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Common looking people are the best in the world:
that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them.
- Abraham Lincoln
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
- Anonymous
People who are wrapped up in themselves make small packages.
- Benjamin Franklin
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems,
but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
- Herm Albright
He who loves 50 people has 50 woes;
he who loves no one has no woes.
- The Buddha
History is the version of past events
that people have decided to agree upon.
- Napoleon Bonaparte
People who say it cannot be done should not
interrupt those who are doing it.
- George Bernard Shaw
These capitalists generally act harmoniously and in concert,
to fleece the people.
- Abraham Lincoln
An idea isn't responsible for the people who believe in it.
- Don Marquis
Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
- George Carlin
Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people
by the people for the people.
- Oscar Wilde
The trouble with having an open mind, of course,
is that people will insist on coming along
and trying to put things in it.
- Terry Pratchett
Do something wonderful, people may imitate it.
- Albert Schweitzer
Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money
they don't have for something they don't need.
- Will Rogers
Might I perhaps win my wings?
I've been waiting for over 200 years now, sir,
and people ARE beginning to talk.
- It's a Wonderful Life (1946 movie)
There are two kinds of people,
those who do the work,
and those who take the credit.
Try to be in the first group;
there is less competition there.
- Indira Gandhi
Some people are so heavenly minded
that they are no earthly good.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
Be smarter than other people, just don't tell them so.
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
All people know the same truth.
Our lives consist of how we chose to distort it.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
Oh, you weak, beautiful people
who give up with such grace.
What you need is someone to take hold of you -
gently, with love, and hand your life back to you.
- Tennessee Williams
People living their lives for you on TV;
They say they're better than you, and you agree.
- Jewel
Unless they share our opinions,
we seldom find people sensible.
- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man,
and I hate people like that!
- Tom Lehrer
I do not believe that civilization will be wiped out
in a war fought with the atomic bomb.
Perhaps two-thirds of the people of the earth will be killed.
- Albert Einstein
Thinking is what most people resort to after all else fails.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
The trouble with the world is not
that people know too little,
but that they know so many things that ain't so.
- Mark Twain
Most people enjoy the inferiority of their best friends.
- Lord Chesterfield
Gods always behave like the people who make them.
- Zora Neale Hurston
Most of what we call management consists of
making it difficult for people to get their work done.
- Peter F. Drucker
You can safely assume that you've
created God in your own image
when it turns out that God hates
all the same people you do.
- Anne Lamott
Religion is regarded by the common people as true,
by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful.
- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
Interesting.
You Earth people glorify organized violence for 40 centuries,
but you imprison those who employ it privately.
- the character Spock in the television series Star Trek
People who think they know everything
are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
- Isaac Asimov
Contrary to general belief,
I do not believe that friends are necessarily
the people you like best,
they are merely the people who got there first.
- Peter Ustinov
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.