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Let these funny John Baines Quotes lighten up your life. And check out the humorous quotes of many more funny authors in my large collection.
The first step towards the solution
of any problem is optimism.
- John Baines
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living;
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain
The first sigh of love is the last breath of wisdom.
- Anonymous
Men always want to be a woman's first love -
women like to be a man's last romance.
- Oscar Wilde
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If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
- Anonymous
If he's first class, I'm traveling steerage.
- the movie Libeled Lady (1936)
When I first saw you, I thought you were handsome.
Then, of course, you spoke.
- the movie As Good As It Gets (1997)
When I eventually met Mr. Right
I had no idea that his first name was Always.
- Rita Rudner
I am a man of fixed and unbending principles,
the first of which is to be flexible at all times.
- Everett Dirksen
Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner
Get the facts first.
You can distort them later.
- Mark Twain
Getting fired is nature's way to telling you
that you had the wrong job in the first place.
- Hal Lancaster
If at first you don't succeed,
try, try, and try again.
Then give up.
There's no use being a damned fool about it.
- W. C. Fields
I don't know which will go first - rock 'n' roll or Christianity.
- John Lennon
The only true love is love at first sight;
second sight dispels it.
- Israel Zangwill
Many a man owes his success to his first wife
and his second wife to his success.
- Jim Backus
Contrary to general belief,
I do not believe that friends are necessarily
the people you like best,
they are merely the people who got there first.
- Peter Ustinov
After the first blush of sin, comes its indifference.
- Henry David Thoreau
There are four stages in a marriage.
First there's the affair,
then the marriage,
then children
and finally the fourth stage,
without which you cannot know a woman, the divorce.
- Norman Mailer
Life is uncertain; always eat dessert first.
- Anonymous
The physician can bury his mistakes,
but the architect can only advise his client to plant vines -
so they should go as far as possible from home
to build their first buildings.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
There are two kinds of people,
those who do the work,
and those who take the credit.
Try to be in the first group;
there is less competition there.
- Indira Gandhi
One's first love is always perfect
until one meets one's second love.
- Elizabeth Aston
We're more popular than Jesus now;
I don't know which will go first, rock 'n' roll or Christianity.
- John Lennon
Those who have free seats at a play hiss first.
- Chinese Proverb
Smile first thing in the morning. Get it over with.
- W. C. Fields
Faith is taking the first step,
even when you don't see the whole staircase.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
Seek first to understand,
then to be understood.
- Stephen Covey
Christianity will go. It will vanish and shrink.
I needn't argue with that; I'm right and I will be proved right.
We're more popular than Jesus now;
I don't know which will go first - rock and roll or Christianity.
- John Lennon
To climb steep hills requires a slow pace at first.
- William Shakespeare
Belief is a virus, and once it gets into you,
its first order of business is to preserve itself,
and the way it preserves itself
is to keep you from having any doubts,
and the way it keeps you from doubting
is to blind you to the way things really are.
- Philip Caputo
Apathy, indifference, not caring...
It may sound insensitive for me to say, "I don't care,"
but ask first to what I am indifferent.
I choose to be caring, compassionate
and kind toward all people,
and I also choose to be indifferent to gossip,
petty complaints, and idle chatter.
About those, I just don't care.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Always be a first-rate version of yourself,
instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.
- Judy Garland
Tolerance is the first principle of community;
it is the spirit which conserves
the best that all men think.
- Helen Keller
All things at first appear difficult.
- Chinese proverb
Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
- Anonymous
When we step on the battlefield, I will be
The First Boots On and the Last Boots Off.
- LtG. Hal Moore
BERLIN: PROCLAMATION TO THE GERMAN NATION FEBRUARY 1, 1933
The National Government will regard it as its first and foremost duty
to revive in the nation the spirit of unity and co-operation.
It will preserve and defend those basic principles
on which our nation has been built.
It regards Christianity as the foundation of our national morality,
and the family as the basis of national life....
- Adolf Hitler
The first quality that is needed is audacity.
- Winston Churchill
Take a deep breath and do the difficult thing first.
- Mary Anne Radmacher
Lovers who have been left, lose confidence and become afraid.
They learn to leave relationships first.
The broken hearted become the heart breakers.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you,
then they fight you, then you win.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
During the first period of a man's life
the greatest danger is not to take the risk.
- Soren Kierkegaard
Okay, here's your first lesson: how to take a FALL!
- the movie Karate Kid
Give thanks for the rainbows, for the butterflies,
for all God's creatures - large and small,
for the bright blue sky and the soft fog and the gentle rain,
for the tree veiled in the season's first frost,
for the baby's laugh, for the touch of a hand
and the whispered "I love you."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Experience is a hard teacher.
She gives the test first
and the lessons afterwards.
- Anonymous
Be gentle first with yourself -
if you wish to be gentle with others.
- Lama Yeshe
Nothing happens unless first a dream.
- Carl Sandburg
If at first you don't succeed, try try again.
- Proverb
Let every day be the first day
of the rest of your life,
but especially let today be a new beginning.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
It is the first law of friendship
that it has to be cultivated.
The second is to be indulgent
when the first law is neglected.
- Voltaire
The first step in the evolution of ethics
is a sense of solidarity with other human beings.
- Albert Schweitzer
Life ... is like a parachute jump:
you have to get it right the first time.
- Margaret Mead
Today, I Do What Is Important To Me, First.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
First learn the meaning of what you say, and then speak.
- Epictetus
Do first things first, and second things not at all.
- Peter F. Drucker
Be gentle first with yourself.
- Lama Yeshe
The second office in the government is honorable and easy;
the first is but a splendid misery.
- Thomas Jefferson
Habits are cobwebs at first, cables at last.
- Chinese proverb
Our "Rainbows and Butterflies" are the small miracles of our life -
the little things that are so easy to overlook,
yet so awe inspiring when we take a moment
to notice and to pay attention.
Give thanks for the rainbows, for the butterflies,
for all God's creatures - large and small,
for the bright blue sky and the soft fog and the gentle rain,
for the tree veiled in the season's first frost,
for the baby's laugh,
for the touch of a hand and the whispered "I love you."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Know first that you have absolutely no power to change the world,
and then address all your energies and intent toward improving it.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom.
- Thomas Jefferson
Life is a journey. It is not a race to test
who can finish first or who can end up with the most loot.
Rather, life is best enjoyed as a meander -
watching the view to left and right - above and below -
as the days slowly move past in dress review.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Let him that would move the world first move himself.
- Socrates
You have a row of dominoes set up;
you knock over the first one,
and what will happen to the last one
is that it will go over very quickly.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
The secret of getting ahead is getting started.
The secret of getting started is
breaking your complex overwhelming tasks
into small manageable tasks,
and starting on the first one.
- Mark Twain
In rivers, the water that you touch
is the last of what has passed
and the first of that which comes;
so with present time.
- Leonardo da Vinci
It's all right for a woman to be, above all, human.
I am a woman first of all.
- Anais Nin
"Think simple" as my old master used to say -
meaning reduce the whole of its parts
into the simplest terms,
getting back to first principles.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
We first make our habits, then our habits make us.
- John Dryden
My reaction to porno films is as follows; After the first ten minutes,
I want to go home and screw; After the first twenty minutes,
I never want to screw again as long as I live
- Erica Jong
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.