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Let these funny Joel Osteen Quotes lighten up your life. And check out the humorous quotes of many more funny authors in my large collection.
There is a great future in front of you,
you can leave your past behind.
- Joel Osteen
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin
It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous
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I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal
of meeting me is another matter.
- Winston Churchill
The time-traveling is just too dangerous.
Better that I devote myself to study
the other great mystery of the universe - women!
- the movie Back to the Future II
Hey, Marge. Isn't it great being married
to someone who's recklessly impulsive?
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)
We have a great life here in Alaska,
and we're never going back to America again!
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)
You ask me if I keep a notebook
to record my great ideas.
I've only ever had one.
- Albert Einstein
I have great hopes that we shall love each other all our lives
as much as if we had never married at all.
- Lord Byron
I love to shop after a bad relationship.
I don't know. I buy a new outfit
and it makes me feel better. It just does.
Sometimes I see a really great outfit,
I'll break up with someone on purpose.
- Rita Rudner
To the young child, all life is a great adventure -
when did we grow so dull and brittle.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have,
and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- the movie The Great Mouse Detective
People who think they know everything
are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
- Isaac Asimov
I begin with the principle that all men are bores.
Surely no one will prove himself
so great a bore as to contradict me in this.
- Soren Kierkegaard
New York City is a great monument
to the power of money and greed...
a race for rent.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
I always seem to get inspiration and renewed vitality
by contact with this great novel land of yours
which sticks up out of the Atlantic.
- Winston Churchill
Confused Memories of Childhood:
Hate to my father, cruel hate,
confused with love - a mix not great.
The man I love - the man I hate;
the man I want to emulate.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
- John Lennon
Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle.
- Lewis Carroll
The magic words for a great relationship are,
"I love you just the way you are."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
If (s)he's an apple and you're an orange,
celebrate your differences -
make a great fruit salad.
Love isn't about being the same -
it's about being sweet with each other.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
The essence of life is not in
the great victories and grand failures,
but in the simple joys.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Where there is great love,
there are always miracles.
- Willa Cather
Silence is a source of great strength.
- Lao Tzu
If a man is called to be a street sweeper,
he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted,
or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry.
He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts
of heaven and earth will pause to say,
here lived a great street sweeper who did his job well.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
Neither a man nor a crowd nor a nation
can be trusted to act humanely
or to think sanely under the influence of a great fear.
- Bertrand Russell
Life is a great big canvas,
and you should throw all the paint you can on it.
- Danny Kaye
It gives me great pleasure indeed to see the stubbornness
of an incorrigible nonconformist warmly acclaimed.
- Albert Einstein
Mostly, it is human to dislike surprises -
often with great intensity.
Be open to new ways;
sometimes newness just knocks on our door;
welcome it.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Life in abundance comes only through great love.
- Elbert Hubbard
In great contests, each party claims to act
in accordance with the will of God.
Both may be, and one must be wrong.
- Abraham Lincoln
No crime is so great as daring to excel.
- Winston Churchill
The great end of life is not knowledge but action.
- Thomas Henry Huxley
Dare to dream of your great success.
- Mary Anne Radmacher
Regrets and resentments cause great suffering but fix nothing.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Great minds discuss ideas;
average minds discuss events;
small minds discuss people.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
I long to accomplish a great and noble task,
but it is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks
as if they were great and noble.
- Helen Keller
You're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting,
So... get on your way!
- Dr. Seuss
Dare to dream of your great success.
Become intimate with those things
which deeply motivate you
and regularly work toward
the realization of that mission.
- Mary Anne Radmacher
Having a personal opinion is great.
Believing that one's personal opinion is absolute truth
leads to most of the world's troubles.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
To be one, to be united is a great thing.
But to respect the right to be different is maybe even greater.
- Bono
I have a great deal of company in the house,
especially in the morning when nobody calls.
- Henry David Thoreau
Don't be afraid to give up the good to go for the great.
- John D. Rockefeller
The greatest roadblock to a great relationship
is trying to force a partner to change through bribes or threats.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Everyone has inside of him a piece of good news.
The good news is that you don't know how great you can be!
How much you can love!
What you can accomplish! And what your potential is!
- Anne Frank
My father always used to say that when you die,
if you've got five real friends, then you've had a great life.
- Lee Iacocca
Half a truth is often a great lie.
- Benjamin Franklin
The great enemy of the truth is very often not the lie,
deliberate, contrived and dishonest,
but the myth, persistent, persuasive and unrealistic.
- John F. Kennedy
A Great Relationship is the Dance of Two Great Lives.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
One of the greatest casualties
of the war in Vietnam is the Great Society...
shot down on the battlefield of Vietnam.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
Trust men and they will be true to you;
treat them greatly and they will show themselves great.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
We can do no great things,
only small things with great love.
- Mother Teresa
Great spirits have always encountered
violent opposition from mediocre minds.
- Albert Einstein
Know that you cannot create great new beginnings
until you sincerely celebrate the endings that precede them.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
To be great is to be misunderstood.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
I welcome change as a great adventure.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Unconditional war can no longer lead to unconditional victory.
It can no longer serve to settle disputes...
can no longer be of concern to great powers alone.
- John F. Kennedy
Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones,
as the wind blows out the candle and blows up the bonfire.
- Francois de la Rochefoucauld
After climbing a great hill,
one only finds that there are many more hills to climb.
- Nelson Mandela
A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds,
adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines.
With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do. -
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Confidence is the most important single factor in this game,
and no matter how great your natural talent,
there is only one way to obtain and sustain it: work.
- Jack Nicklaus
Know that the essence of life is not
in the great victories and grand failures,
but in the simple joys.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Great acts are made up of small deeds.
- Lao Tzu
Self-confidence is the first requisite to great undertakings.
- Samuel Johnson
No great man ever complains of want of opportunity.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
The willow which bends to the tempest,
often escapes better than the oak which resists it;
and so in great calamities,
it sometimes happens that light and frivolous spirits
recover their elasticity and presence of mind sooner
than those of a loftier character.
- Albert Schweitzer
All truly great thoughts are conceived by walking.
- Friedrich Nietzsche
To the well-organized mind,
death is but the next great adventure.
- J. K. Rowling
Love is the great miracle cure.
Loving ourselves works miracles in our lives.
- Louise L. Hay
Being is the great explainer.
- Henry David Thoreau
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.