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Let these funny Israel Zangwill Quotes lighten up your life. And check out the humorous quotes of many more funny authors in my large collection.
A man likes his wife to be
just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness,
and just stupid enough to admire it.
- Israel Zangwill
The only true love is love at first sight;
second sight dispels it.
- Israel Zangwill
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand 
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields
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A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.
- Benjamin Franklin
Don't marry a man to reform him -
that's what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!
- the movie Spaceballs (1987)
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
- Anonymous
One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain
I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln
One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein
One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash
Whenever I date a guy, I think,
"Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner
A man's friendships are, like his will,
invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated
by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx
A man is a fool if he drinks before he reaches the age of 50,
and a fool if he doesn't afterward.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner
In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous
Afraid? Me? A man who's licked
his weight in wild caterpillars?
Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!
- Groucho Marx
You can lead a man to Congress,
but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Men always want to be a woman's first love -
women like to be a man's last romance.
- Oscar Wilde
No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous
Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
- Mae West
You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous
I am a man of fixed and unbending principles,
the first of which is to be flexible at all times.
- Everett Dirksen
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
A man can't be too careful in the choice of enemies.
- Oscar Wilde
I would never want to be a member of a group
whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
- George Carlin
Books serve to show a man
that those original thoughts of his
aren't very new at all.
- Abraham Lincoln
Clothes make the man.
Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- Mark Twain
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
- Albert Schweitzer
Never give a sword to a man who can't dance.
- Confucius
God must love the common man, he made so many of them.
- Abraham Lincoln
Every man thinks God is on his side.
- Jean Anouilh
You know your god is man-made when he
hates all the same people you do.
- Anonymous
Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say,
abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact.
- George Eliot
I don't advise a haircut, man.
All hairdressers are in the employment of the government.
Hairs are your aerials.
They pick up signals from the cosmos,
and transmit them directly into the brain.
This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.
- the movie Withnail & I
I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
"Supernatural" is a null word.
- Robert A. Heinlein
Mr. Attlee is a very modest man.
Indeed he has a lot to be modest about.
- Winston Churchill
I choose my friends for their good looks,
my acquaintances for their good characters,
and my enemies for their intellects.
A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde
A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother
why the bride changed her mind.
What do you mean? responded her mother.
Well, she went down the aisle with one man,
and came back with another.
- Anonymous
Never stir up litigation.
A worse man can scarcely be found than one who does this.
- Abraham Lincoln
The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway
is usually a poor judge of distance.
- Laurence J. Peter
The man who can smile when things go wrong
has thought of someone else he can blame it on.
- Robert Bloch
Man's role is uncertain, undefined, and perhaps unnecessary.
- Margaret Mead
Show me a sane man, and I will cure him for you.
- Carl Jung
Man is a credulous animal, and must believe something;
in the absence of good grounds for belief,
he will be satisfied with bad ones.
- Bertrand Russell
If it keeps up, man will atrophy
all his limbs but the push-button finger.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
Two things a man should never be angry at:
what he can help,
and what he cannot help.
- Thomas Fuller
Too often the strong, silent man is silent only because
he does not know what to say, and is reputed strong
only because he has remained silent.
- Winston Churchill
Man tends to treat all of his opinions as principles.
- Herbert Sebastian Agar
A clever man commits no minor blunders.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Morality which depends upon the helplessness
of a man or woman has not much to recommend it.
Morality is rooted in the purity of our hearts.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
It is sad but unfortunately true that
man learns nothing from history.
- Carl Jung
The man who reads nothing at all
is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers.
- Thomas Jefferson
I know that God made the whole world in 4004 BC.
I know because my preacher told me. He's a good man.
He's even saving up all the money we give him
to go to bible college someday.
- Anonymous Humor
It appears to be a law that you cannot have
a deep sympathy with both man and nature.
- Henry David Thoreau
I would rather trust a woman's instinct than a man's reason.
- Stanley Baldwin
Man's nature is not essentially evil.
Brute nature has been known to
yield to the influence of love.
You must never despair of human nature.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers,
looks around for a coffin.
- H. L. Mencken
I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man,
and I hate people like that!
- Tom Lehrer
If a man smiles all the time,
he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
- George Carlin
If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house
with the conscious design of doing me good,
I should run for my life.
- Henry David Thoreau
I like a man who grins when he fights.
- Winston Churchill
You can always tell when a man's well informed.
His views are pretty much like your own.
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Adventure is not outside man; it is within.
- George Eliot
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.