Facebook share Tweet This Email this
Let these funny Hillel Quotes lighten up your life. And check out the humorous quotes of many more funny authors in my large collection.
If I am not for myself,
who will be for me?
Yet if I am for myself alone,
of what good am I?
- Hillel
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand 
If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)
"It's not that important,
don't worry about it" is the answer,
now what was the question?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Get a Funny Quote of the Day each day by email or in your feed reader.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight,
it's the size of the fight in the dog.
- Mark Twain
Live life on the edge, not with an edge.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer
Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
- Robert A. Heinlein
Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
I'm not used to feeling so human.
Is it always like this?
- Edward, from Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer
One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill
It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous
Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed.
But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops.
Uh, depending on the breaks.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove
DON'T get officious.
You're not yourself when you're officious -
That is the curse of a government job.
- the movie Harold and Maude (1971)
Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
- Anonymous
Two things are infinite:
the universe and human stupidity;
and I'm not sure about the universe.
- Albert Einstein
It's not the men in your life that counts,
it's the life in your men.
- Mae West, in the movie I'm No Angel
In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
The key is, to not think of death as an end,
but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.
- the movie Love and Death
I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln
Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
- Albert Einstein
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain
Marriage is a fine institution -
but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
- Will Rogers
Yeah I called her up. She gave me a bunch of ...
about me not listening to her, or something.
I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
- the movie Dumb & Dumber (1994)
If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
- Anonymous
Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek
I'm not talking about lust.
A woman in lust wants chocolate.
A woman in love wants diamonds.
- the movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
Personally, I'm always ready to learn,
although I do not always like being taught.
- Winston Churchill
No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous
Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire
The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
Man's nature is not essentially evil.
Brute nature has been known to
yield to the influence of love.
You must never despair of human nature.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
Do not laugh much or often or unrestrainedly.
- Epictetus
The existence of an anthropomorphic
"Father-figure" deity is not impossible,
merely exceptionally improbable and illogical.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
A loyal friend laughs at your jokes
when they're not so good,
and sympathizes with your problems
when they're not so bad.
- Arnold H. Glasgow
Belief is not the beginning but the end of all knowledge.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Though I am a servant, I am not your servant.
- Ursula K. Le Guin
Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing
for most of us that it is not.
- Oscar Wilde
There is no pleasure in having nothing to do;
the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.
- Mary Wilson Little
Although personally I am quite content with existing explosives,
I feel we must not stand in the path of improvement.
- Winston Churchill
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
- Ursula K. Le Guin
One does not discover new lands without consenting
to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.
- Andre Gide
Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted.
- John Lennon
The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper
is that your guests are so pleased
to feel how very much better they are.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Do not bite at the bait of pleasure,
till you know there is no hook beneath it.
- Thomas Jefferson
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems,
but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
- Herm Albright
If Christ were here now there is one thing
he would not be - a Christian.
- Mark Twain
Am I not destroying my enemies
when I make friends of them?
- Abraham Lincoln
The mind is not a vessel to be filled
but a fire to be kindled.
- Plutarch
Ending a sentence with a preposition is
something up with which I will not put.
- Winston Churchill
The church is always trying to get other people to reform;
it might not be a bad idea to reform itself a little,
by way of example.
- Mark Twain
The function of muscle is to pull and not to push,
except in the case of the genitals and the tongue.
- Leonardo da Vinci
Do not use a hatchet to remove
a fly from your friend's forehead.
- Chinese Proverb
I do not believe in using women in combat,
because females are too fierce.
- Margaret Mead
Science is a wonderful thing
if one does not have to earn one's living at it.
- Albert Einstein
Confused Memories of Childhood:
Hate to my father, cruel hate,
confused with love - a mix not great.
The man I love - the man I hate;
the man I want to emulate.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
The man who does not read good books
has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
- Mark Twain
For those who do not think,
it is best at least to rearrange
their prejudices once in a while.
- Luther Burbank
Only two things are infinite,
the universe and human stupidity,
and I'm not sure about the former.
- Albert Einstein
I do not fear death.
I had been dead for billions and billions
of years before I was born,
and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.
- Mark Twain
I am always ready to learn
although I do not always like being taught.
- Winston Churchill
When I want to be bold about my movement ...
I for sure do not call it exercise!
- Mary Anne Radmacher
For centuries, theologians have been explaining
the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
- H. L. Mencken
A ship in harbor is safe -
but that is not what ships are for.
- John A. Shedd
If you ask me anything I don't know,
I'm not going to answer.
- Yogi Berra
Politics is such a torment that I advise everyone
I love not to mix with it.
- Thomas Jefferson
It's not very heroic to slay dragons.
Dragons are generally very peaceful and well behaved.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I do not believe that civilization will be wiped out
in a war fought with the atomic bomb.
Perhaps two-thirds of the people of the earth will be killed.
- Albert Einstein
Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth
until the hour of separation.
- Khalil Gibran
Thank you for visiting: Hillel Quotes - Funny Quotes by Hillel.
Please sign up on the form below to receive
my Free Daily Inspiration - Daily Quotes email.
You can also search my large collection of Funny Quotes.
May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.