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Greg Giraldo Quotes
Funny Quotes by Greg Giraldo

Let these funny Greg Giraldo Quotes lighten up your life. And check out the humorous quotes of many more funny authors in my large collection.

Why do we need another station where everyone has a
gun? We already have BET.
- Greg Giraldo

There are no black people in Iraq, so how will they know who to shoot at?
- Greg Giraldo

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand PHOTO

Clear? Huh. Why a four-year-old child
could understand this report.
Run out and find me a four-year-old child,
I can't make head or tail of it.
- the Groucho Marx movie Duck Soup


 

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
- Anonymous

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
- Edgar Bergen

The Lord prefers common-looking people.
That is why he makes so many of them.
- Abraham Lincoln


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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
- Phyllis Diller

I read that you should never go out with someone
if you can think of three reasons why you shouldn't.
- the movie Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)

Why wait until you're dead,
when you can create your own Hell right here and now.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Why, sometimes I've believed as many as
six impossible things before breakfast.
- Lewis Carroll

If we were meant to be happy,
why did God create war, hunger, and the 11 o'clock news?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

The reason why the world lacks unity,
and lies broken and in heaps,
is, because man is disunited with himself.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother
why the bride changed her mind.
What do you mean? responded her mother.
Well, she went down the aisle with one man,
and came back with another.
- Anonymous

Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Why me?"
Then a voice answers "Nothing personal,
your name just happened to come up. -
- Charlie Brown, in Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts

"Rabbit's clever," said Pooh thoughtfully.
"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit's clever."
"And he has Brain."
"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit has Brain."
There was a long silence.
"I suppose," said Pooh, "that that's why he never understands anything."
- A. A. Milne (Winnie-The-Pooh)

I contend that we are both atheists.
I just believe in one fewer god than you do.
When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods,
you will understand why I dismiss yours.
- Stephen Roberts

Footprints in the sands of time...
Where have you been?
Where are you going?
Why are you going there?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie PHOTO

A politician needs the ability to
foretell what is going to happen
tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year.
And to have the ability afterwards
to explain why it didn't happen.
- Winston Churchill

I make it a policy to try never to
make a complete idiot of myself twice in the same way.
After all, there's always all kinds of new ways
to make a complete idiot of myself.
Why repeat the old ones?
- Margot Dalton

Misery nourishes your ego -
that's why you see so many miserable people in the world.
The basic, central point is the ego.
- Osho

Why not go out on a limb?
Isn't that where the fruit is?
- Mark Twain

You see things and you say, Why?
But I dream things that never were and say, Why not
- George Bernard Shaw

Life is serious? Why?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Why, I'd like nothing better than to achieve
some bold adventure, worthy of our trip.
- Aristophanes

Do you ever question why our educational system
teaches competition rather than cooperation?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

There are those that look at things
the way they are, and ask "Why?"
I dream of things that never were, and ask "Why not?"
- Robert F. Kennedy paraphrase of George Bernard Shaw

We have nearly complete misunderstanding between
people of different faiths in Lake Wobegon,
and that's probably one reason why we get along so very well.
It's when you are trying to convince another person to think
the same way that you do that there is
friction and trouble between people.
But when you feel that the other person is
dumber than dirt, too dumb for words -
why waste your breath - you get along pretty well.
There's no bond between people that's quite so strong as
when people each feel slightly superior towards the other one.
- Garrison Keillor

Everyone believes that their beliefs are the right ones -
that is why they are called beliefs.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Success in almost any field depends more on energy
and drive than it does on intelligence.
This explains why we have so many stupid leaders.
- Sloan Wilson

No poem is easily grasped; so why should any reader expect fast results?
- John Barton

The triple is the most exciting play in baseball.
Home runs win a lot of games, but I never understood
why fans are so obsessed with them.
- Hank Aaron

"Be Prepared."
"Be prepared for what?"
"Why, for any old thing."
- Robert Baden-Powell,
the founder of Scouting.
[as quoted in the Boy Scout Handbook]

Millions saw the apple fall, but Newton was the one who asked why.
- Bernard Baruch

Dreams have only one owner at a time.
That's why dreamers are lonely.
- Erma Bombeck

Why are ecologists and environmentalists so feared
and hated? This is because in part what they have to
say is new to the general public,
and the new is always alarming.
- Garrett Hardin

Science is wonderfully equipped to answer the question
"How?" but it gets terribly confused when you ask the question "Why?"
- Erwin Chargaff

People often say that motivation doesn't last.
Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily.
- Zig Ziglar

We may have our private opinions
but why should they be a bar to the meeting of hearts?
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

Spread your wings - TODAY. Why wait?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

To live is to choose. But to choose well,
you must know who you are and what you stand for,
where you want to go and why you want to get there.
- Kofi Annan

I hate vacations.
If you can build buildings, why sit on the beach?
- Philip Johnson

I stand fearlessly for small dogs, the American Flag,
motherhood and the Bible.
That's why people love me.
- Art Linkletter

Always question WHY you are doing something.
Is it a free-will gift or an obligation?
That which is done out of a feeling of obligation
is unworkable as a substitute for a gift.
Obligation creates a feeling of resentment on your part,
and evokes resentment rather than gratitude
on the part of the recipient.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Being human, we are imperfect. That's why we need each other.
To catch each other when we falter.
To encourage each other when we lose heart.
Some may lead; others may follow; but none of us can go it alone.
- Hilary Clinton

Yesterday is history,
tomorrow is a mystery.
Today is a gift.
That is why it is called Present.
- Anonymous

You have to think anyway, so why not think big?
- Donald Trump

My father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning
and watches the Discovery Channel.
I don't know why there's this big rush to do this.
- Jeff Foxworthy

If you press me to say why I loved him,
I can say no more than because he was he,
and I was I. - Michel de Montaigne

Why should society feel responsible only for the education of children,
and not for the education of all adults of every age?
- Erich Fromm

He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.
- Friedrich Nietzsche

The very idea of true patriotism is lost,
and the term has been prostituted to the very worst of purposes.
A patriot, sir!
Why, patriots spring up like mushrooms!
- Robert Walpole

Why does man kill? He kills for food.
And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
- Woody Allen

The love of one's country is a splendid thing.
But why should love stop at the border?
- Pablo Casals

The reason why men do not obey us,
is because they see the mud at the bottom of our eye.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Always listen to the experts.
They'll tell you what can't be done and why.
Then do it.
- Robert Heinlein

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? The mother.
- Claudette Colbert

I can't understand why people
are frightened by new ideas.
I'm frightened of old ones.
- John Cage

Think? Why think!
We have computers to do that for us.
- Jean Rostand

Why has it seemed that the only way to protect the
environment is with heavy-handed government regulation?
- Gale Norton

I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love
will have the final word in reality.
That is why right, temporarily defeated,
is stronger than evil triumphant.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

If you got the game, you got the game.
That's why Tiger Woods is out there playing golf with Greg Norman.
- Shaquille O'Neal

WHY do you care what THEY think?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Life is change. Without change, there is no life.
Why then do we so fight against change?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why
the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
- Laurence J. Peter

There are a hundred valid reasons why something can't be done,
but only one reason, Commitment, why it can.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

If I am a legend, then why am I so lonely?
- Judy Garland

If you made a list of reasons why any couple got married,
and another list of the reasons for their divorce,
you'd have a hell of a lot of overlapping.
- Mignon McLaughlin

Urgent? Why?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Instead of worrying about what people say of you,
why not spend time trying to accomplish
something they will admire.
- Dale Carnegie

I can see, and that is why I can be happy,
in what you call the dark, but which to me is golden.
I can see a God-made world, not a manmade world.
- Helen Keller


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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.