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Grant Wood Quotes
Funny Quotes by Grant Wood

Let these funny Grant Wood Quotes lighten up your life. And check out the humorous quotes of many more funny authors in my large collection.

You can do anything with beer that you can do with wine.
Beer is great for basting or marinating meat and fish.
- Grant Wood

All the good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.
- Grant Wood

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner PHOTO

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living;
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain PHOTO


 

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain (attributed) PHOTO

Yesterday is like a dung heap;
you can complain about the smell,
or you can use it to fertilize tomorrow's garden.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie PHOTO

If you do what you've always done,
you'll get what you always got.
- Mark Twain PHOTO


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If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999) PHOTO

However beautiful the strategy,
you should occasionally look at the results.
- Winston Churchill PHOTO

Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer PHOTO

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you
hear but forgetting where you heard it.
- Laurence J. Peter

I don't need you to remind me of my age.
I have a bladder to do that for me.
- Stephen Fry

Never have more children than you have car windows.
- Erma Bombeck

You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs.
- Anonymous

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
- Milton Berle

Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.
- Harry S. Truman

When I first saw you, I thought you were handsome.
Then, of course, you spoke.
- the movie As Good As It Gets (1997)

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
- Phyllis Diller

If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
- Anonymous

Afraid? Me? A man who's licked
his weight in wild caterpillars?
Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!
- Groucho Marx

My uncle Sammy was an angry man.
He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?
- Margaret Smith

Life's like Vegas. You're up, you're down,
but in the end the house always wins.
Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

If love is the answer,
could you please rephrase the question.
- Lily Tomlin

One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin

Always end the name of your child with a vowel,
so that when you yell, the name will carry.
- Bill Cosby

New Yorkers love it when you spill your guts out there.
Spill your guts at Wimbledon and they make you stop and clean it up.
- Jimmy Carter

A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles

Smoking kills.
If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
- Brooke Shields

I got a good mind to join a club
and beat you over the head with it.
- the Groucho Marx movie Duck Soup

Marriage has no guarantees.
If that's what you're looking for,
go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck

Tragedy is when I cut my finger.
Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
- Mel Brooks

A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)

Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands?
And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry.
- John Lennon

Any girl can be glamorous.
All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
- Hedy Lamarr

California is a fine place to live -
if you happen to be an orange.
- Fred Allen

The worst part of success is to try to find
someone who is happy for you.
- Bette Midler

The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

The proper office of a friend is to side with you
when you are in the wrong.
Nearly anybody will side with you when you are in the right.
- Mark Twain

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
- Joe E. Lewis

I think you're the opposite of a paranoid.
I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well,
no, I was an accountant.
- Ellen DeGeneres

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories

Of all the things that could frighten you,
you worry about my driving?
- Edward, from Twilight saga by Stephenie Meyer

There are two things that are more difficult
than making an after-dinner speech:
climbing a wall which is leaning toward you
and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.
- Winston Churchill

I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell -
you see, I have friends in both places.
- Mark Twain

Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous

When everything comes your way
you're in the wrong lane.
- Anonymous

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb
cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
- Dave Barry

To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Ogden Nash

You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as
you're insightful about it.
- Dennis Miller

Well, you ask a silly question, and you get a silly answer.
- Tom Lehrer

You have to learn to push the guilt
under the rug and move on,
otherwise it overwhelms you.
- the Woody Allen movie Match Point

Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek

You know what? Maybe there's a good reason
donkeys shouldn't talk.
- the movie Shrek (2001)

Where did you park the invisible car?
- the movie Megamind (2010)

Half the people you know are below average.
- Anonymous

There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch
too many of them together.
- Josh Billings

Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you;
she is after your barn.
- Hesiod

Oh, Shrek. Don't worry.
Things just seem bad because it's dark and rainy
and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you.
- the movie Shrek 2

He early on let her know who is the boss.
He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."
- Anonymous humor

There's no reason to become alarmed,
and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight.
By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
- the movie Airplane!

In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland

You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch

Always remember the three magic words: You're right dear.
- Anonymous

Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

DON'T get officious.
You're not yourself when you're officious -
That is the curse of a government job.
- the movie Harold and Maude (1971)

I read that you should never go out with someone
if you can think of three reasons why you shouldn't.
- the movie Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)


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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.