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Grant Show Quotes
Funny Quotes by Grant Show

Let these funny Grant Show Quotes lighten up your life. And check out the humorous quotes of many more funny authors in my large collection.

I think that there were only two people in my high
school that were comfortable there,
and I think they are both pumping gas now.
- Grant Show

Religion is the masterpiece of the art of animal training,
for it trains people as to how they should think.
- Arthur Schopenhauer PHOTO

What we think, we become.
All that we are arises with our thoughts.
With our thoughts, we make the world.
- The Buddha PHOTO

The key is, to not think of death as an end,
but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.
- the movie Love and Death


 

I think serial monogamy says it all.
- Tracey Ullman

I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
- Ellen DeGeneres

She's been diagnosed as a paranoid hypochondriac.
Doctors think she may be faking.
- the movie Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid


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I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced
so they won't think something's wrong with me.
- Elayne Boosler

A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)

I read that you should never go out with someone
if you can think of three reasons why you shouldn't.
- the movie Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)

I personally think we developed language
because of our deep need to complain.
- Lily Tomlin

You can lead a man to Congress,
but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle

Whenever I date a guy, I think,
"Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner

No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have,
and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- the movie The Great Mouse Detective

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography
until after they're dead.
- Samuel Goldwyn

If the facts don't fit the theory,
change the facts.
- Albert Einstein

I think you're the opposite of a paranoid.
I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

What do I think of Western civilization?
I think it would be a very good idea.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

Anyone who thinks sitting in church
can make you a Christian must also think
that sitting in a garage can make you a car.
- Garrison Keillor

I don't think the intelligence reports are all that hot.
Some days I get more out of the New York Times.
- John F. Kennedy

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out
where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
- George Carlin

For those who do not think,
it is best at least to rearrange
their prejudices once in a while.
- Luther Burbank

Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
- A. A. Milne (Winnie-The-Pooh)

Always speak the truth,
think before you speak,
and write it down afterwards.
- Lewis Carroll

Human beings are the only creatures on the planet
who tell time and think they have to earn a living.
- Buckminster Fuller

I think men who have a pierced ear
are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner

If it turns out that there IS a God,
I don't think that he's evil.
I think that the worst you can say about him
is that basically he's an underachiever.
- the movie Love and Death

I don't like to think of laws
as rules you have to follow,
but more as suggestions.
- George Carlin

The third certainty of life, after death and taxes,
is that nothing will work out the way you want.
Life is fully as bad as you think it is.
Choose to live joyfully anyway.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

The objection to Puritans is not that
they try to make us think as they do,
but that they try to make us do as they think.
- H. L. Mencken

When all think alike, no one is thinking very much.
- Walter Lippmann

Women don't want to hear what you think.
Women want to hear what they think -
in a deeper voice.
- Bill Cosby

If you can't annoy somebody with what you write,
I think there's little point in writing.
- Kingsley Amis

Really I feel less keen about the Army every day.
I think the Church would suit me better.
- Winston Churchill

People who think they know everything
are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
- Isaac Asimov

Jealousy is all the fun you think they had.
- Erica Jong

I think that there is nothing, not even crime,
more opposed to poetry, to philosophy, ay, to life itself
than this incessant business.
- Henry David Thoreau

You can always do one thing less than you think you can.
- Anonymous

In life you are given two ends;
one to think with and the other to sit on.
Your success in life depends on which end you use most.
Heads you win, tails you lose.
- Conrad Burns

Think of how stupid the average person is,
and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- George Carlin

To know yet to think that one does not know is best;
Not to know yet to think that one knows
will lead to difficulty.
- Lao Tzu

Life does not consist mainly,
or even largely, of facts or happenings.
It consist mainly of the storm of thoughts
that is forever flowing through one's head.
- Mark Twain

I used to go away for weeks in a state of confusion.
- Albert Einstein

You know that place between sleeping and awake,
that place where you can still remember dreaming?
That's where I'll always think of you.
- James M. Barrie

Tolerance is the first principle of community;
it is the spirit which conserves
the best that all men think.
- Helen Keller

It isn't what you have, or who you are, or where you are,
or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy.
It is what you think about.
- Dale Carnegie

I don't think of all the misery
but of the beauty that still remains.
- Anne Frank

No written law has ever been more binding
than unwritten custom supported by popular opinion.
- Carrie Chapman Catt

Think big thoughts but relish small pleasures.
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Life is as easy or as hard as you think it is.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

The most pathetic person in the world
is someone who has sight, but has no vision.
- Helen Keller

The function of education is to teach one
to think intensively and to think critically.
Intelligence plus character - that is the goal of true education.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Anyone who knows history, particularly
the history of Europe, will, I think,
recognize that the domination
of education or of government
by any one particular religious faith
is never a happy arrangement for the people.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

People should think things out fresh
and not just accept conventional terms
and the conventional way of doing things.
- R. Buckminster Fuller

Our society is run by insane people for insane objectives.
I think we're being run by maniacs for maniacal ends
and I think I'm liable to be put away as insane for expressing that.
That's what's insane about it.
- John Lennon

The important thing is not to stop questioning.
Curiosity has its own reason for existing.
- Albert Einstein

The grand aim of all science is to cover
the greatest number of empirical facts
by logical deduction from
the smallest number of hypotheses or axioms.
- Albert Einstein

Everything we say, do, think, and feel
is a product of our personal history
and the collective history of humankind.
Our name for these histories is "prejudice."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

The simplest questions are the most profound.
Where were you born?
Where is your home?
Where are you going?
What are you doing?
Think about these once in a while
and watch your answers change.
- Richard Bach

Suffering is everywhere. Don't ever think it isn't.
So are miracles. Don't ever think they aren't.
- Jewel

I simply can't build my hopes on a foundation
of confusion, misery and death...
I think... peace and tranquillity will return again.
- Anne Frank

I don't know if we each have a destiny,
or if we're all just floatin' around accidental-like on a breeze.
But I, I think maybe it's both.
- the movie Forrest Gump

We shall require a substantially
new manner of thinking
if mankind is to survive.
- Albert Einstein

Think for yourself and question authority.
- Timothy Leary

Who made the rule that life has to be so serious?
One would think that "life is serious" had been engraved
upon stone tablets to judge from how most lives are lived.
Get a life, smile broadly, sing loudly,
paint your rooms in bold colors,
search every rabbit hole for a magical white bunny,
have caviar for breakfast and oatmeal for dinner,
wear a purple coat with a red hat - dance lightly with life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

If a problem cannot be solved, enlarge it.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

Most of us are prisoners of habit,
and don't even notice that we do the same things,
think the same things, want the same things each day -
mostly without conscious thought.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

The eyes are not responsible when the mind does the seeing.
- Publilius Syrus

The most incomprehensible thing about the world
is that it is comprehensible.
- Albert Einstein

The value of an idea has nothing whatsoever
to do with the sincerity of the man who expresses it.
- Oscar Wilde

I am sorry to think that you do not get a man's
most effective criticism until you provoke him.
Severe truth is expressed with some bitterness.
- Henry David Thoreau


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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.