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George Murphy Quotes
Funny Quotes by George Murphy

Let these funny George Murphy Quotes lighten up your life. And check out the humorous quotes of many more funny authors in my large collection.

How can you practice dancing in an airplane? There's a law against it.
- George Murphy

I'd like to make a movie pretty soon,
so I could get a rest.
- George Murphy

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living;
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain PHOTO

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner PHOTO


 

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain (attributed) PHOTO

Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer PHOTO

However beautiful the strategy,
you should occasionally look at the results.
- Winston Churchill PHOTO


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Yesterday is like a dung heap;
you can complain about the smell,
or you can use it to fertilize tomorrow's garden.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie PHOTO

If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999) PHOTO

If you do what you've always done,
you'll get what you always got.
- Mark Twain PHOTO

Always end the name of your child with a vowel,
so that when you yell, the name will carry.
- Bill Cosby

There's a couple of things they don't teach you
in Harvard Business School,
one is how to cope with defeat,
the other is how to handle a shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)

Well, you ask a silly question, and you get a silly answer.
- Tom Lehrer

In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland

Afraid? Me? A man who's licked
his weight in wild caterpillars?
Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!
- Groucho Marx

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly,
but I bet you ain't never seen a DONKEY fly!
- the movie Shrek (2001)

Recession is when a neighbor loses his job.
Depression is when you lose yours.
- Ronald Reagan

Life's like Vegas. You're up, you're down,
but in the end the house always wins.
Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain

No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have,
and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- the movie The Great Mouse Detective

Thank you, gentlemen. Someday I will repay you,
unless of course I can't find you, or if I forget.
- the movie Shrek 2

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
- Bill Cosby

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
- Phyllis Diller

You want to do mankind a real service?
Tell funnier jokes.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories (1980)

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -
and he's a priest.
- Erma Bombeck

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well,
no, I was an accountant.
- Ellen DeGeneres

The proper office of a friend is to side with you
when you are in the wrong.
Nearly anybody will side with you when you are in the right.
- Mark Twain

Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

I got a good mind to join a club
and beat you over the head with it.
- the Groucho Marx movie Duck Soup

The worst part of success is to try to find
someone who is happy for you.
- Bette Midler

If love is the answer,
could you please rephrase the question.
- Lily Tomlin

Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.
- Robert Byrne

My uncle Sammy was an angry man.
He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?
- Margaret Smith

You know what? Maybe there's a good reason
donkeys shouldn't talk.
- the movie Shrek (2001)

You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.
- Harry S. Truman

I don't need you to remind me of my age.
I have a bladder to do that for me.
- Stephen Fry

I read that you should never go out with someone
if you can think of three reasons why you shouldn't.
- the movie Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)

A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles

Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous

If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
- Anonymous

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender,
but you don't have a top for it.
- Jerry Seinfeld

There are two things that are more difficult
than making an after-dinner speech:
climbing a wall which is leaning toward you
and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.
- Winston Churchill

Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you;
she is after your barn.
- Hesiod

The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

You'll live to be a hundred if you give up
all the things that make you want to.
- the movie Interiors

When you are courting a nice girl
an hour seems like a second.
When you sit on a red-hot cinder
a second seems like an hour.
That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein

You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)

Marriage has no guarantees.
If that's what you're looking for,
go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck

You can lead a man to Congress,
but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle

I think you're the opposite of a paranoid.
I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

Smoking kills.
If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
- Brooke Shields

If you don't know where you are going,
you might wind up someplace else.
- Yogi Berra

One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin

Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands?
And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry.
- John Lennon

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories

DON'T get officious.
You're not yourself when you're officious -
That is the curse of a government job.
- the movie Harold and Maude (1971)

You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs.
- Anonymous

California is a fine place to live -
if you happen to be an orange.
- Fred Allen

Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek

There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch
too many of them together.
- Josh Billings

Any girl can be glamorous.
All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
- Hedy Lamarr

Of all the things that could frighten you,
you worry about my driving?
- Edward, from Twilight saga by Stephenie Meyer

When your friends begin to flatter
you on how young you look,
it's a sure sign you're getting old.
- Mark Twain

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
- Milton Berle

Always remember the three magic words: You're right dear.
- Anonymous

A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)

You ask me if I keep a notebook
to record my great ideas.
I've only ever had one.
- Albert Einstein

New Yorkers love it when you spill your guts out there.
Spill your guts at Wimbledon and they make you stop and clean it up.
- Jimmy Carter

We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.
- Alanis Morissette

Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove (1964)


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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.