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George Horace Lorimer Quotes
Funny Quotes by George Horace Lorimer

Let these funny George Horace Lorimer Quotes lighten up your life. And check out the humorous quotes of many more funny authors in my large collection.

You've got to get up every morning with determination
if you're going to go to bed with satisfaction.
- George Horace Lorimer

It's good to have money and the things that money can buy,
but it's good, too, to check up once in a while and
make sure that you haven't lost the things that money can't buy.
- George Horace Lorimer

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living;
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain PHOTO

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner PHOTO


 

If you do what you've always done,
you'll get what you always got.
- Mark Twain PHOTO

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain (attributed) PHOTO

However beautiful the strategy,
you should occasionally look at the results.
- Winston Churchill PHOTO


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If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999) PHOTO

Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer PHOTO

Yesterday is like a dung heap;
you can complain about the smell,
or you can use it to fertilize tomorrow's garden.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie PHOTO

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well,
no, I was an accountant.
- Ellen DeGeneres

Oh no, I can't do anything to the death.
Doctor's orders. You see, I have this ulcer condition,
and death is the worst thing for it.
- the movie Love and Death

One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin

Recession is when a neighbor loses his job.
Depression is when you lose yours.
- Ronald Reagan

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
- Joe E. Lewis

Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove (1964)

I don't need you to remind me of my age.
I have a bladder to do that for me.
- Stephen Fry

DON'T get officious.
You're not yourself when you're officious -
That is the curse of a government job.
- the movie Harold and Maude (1971)

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories

A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles

New Yorkers love it when you spill your guts out there.
Spill your guts at Wimbledon and they make you stop and clean it up.
- Jimmy Carter

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
- Steven Wright

Any girl can be glamorous.
All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
- Hedy Lamarr

When I first saw you, I thought you were handsome.
Then, of course, you spoke.
- the movie As Good As It Gets (1997)

Thank you, gentlemen. Someday I will repay you,
unless of course I can't find you, or if I forget.
- the movie Shrek 2

Always end the name of your child with a vowel,
so that when you yell, the name will carry.
- Bill Cosby

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as
you're insightful about it.
- Dennis Miller

Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands?
And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry.
- John Lennon

There's no reason to become alarmed,
and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight.
By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
- the movie Airplane!

Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek

You ask me if I keep a notebook
to record my great ideas.
I've only ever had one.
- Albert Einstein

You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.
- Harry S. Truman

You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Ogden Nash

You can put wings on a pig,
but you don't make it an eagle.
- William J. Clinton

You want to do mankind a real service?
Tell funnier jokes.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories (1980)

I read that you should never go out with someone
if you can think of three reasons why you shouldn't.
- the movie Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)

Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you;
she is after your barn.
- Hesiod

California is a fine place to live -
if you happen to be an orange.
- Fred Allen

And you just gotta remember, Sparky -
no matter what they tell you - you can NEVER have too much sugar.
- the movie Michael (1996)

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
- Phyllis Diller

Of all the things that could frighten you,
you worry about my driving?
- Edward, from Twilight saga by Stephenie Meyer

Oh, Shrek. Don't worry.
Things just seem bad because it's dark and rainy
and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you.
- the movie Shrek 2

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -
and he's a priest.
- Erma Bombeck

He early on let her know who is the boss.
He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."
- Anonymous humor

Where did you park the invisible car?
- the movie Megamind (2010)

You have to learn to push the guilt
under the rug and move on,
otherwise it overwhelms you.
- the Woody Allen movie Match Point

You'll live to be a hundred if you give up
all the things that make you want to.
- the movie Interiors

Life's like Vegas. You're up, you're down,
but in the end the house always wins.
Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
- Milton Berle

We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.
- Alanis Morissette

I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell -
you see, I have friends in both places.
- Mark Twain

You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch

You know what? Maybe there's a good reason
donkeys shouldn't talk.
- the movie Shrek (2001)

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain

If you don't know where you are going,
you might wind up someplace else.
- Yogi Berra

(Groom), take (Bride)'s hand and place your hand over hers.
Now, remember this moment and cherish it...
because this will be the last time you ever have the upper hand.
- Anonymous

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender,
but you don't have a top for it.
- Jerry Seinfeld

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you
hear but forgetting where you heard it.
- Laurence J. Peter

Half the people you know are below average.
- Anonymous

Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous

When you are courting a nice girl
an hour seems like a second.
When you sit on a red-hot cinder
a second seems like an hour.
That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein

There's a couple of things they don't teach you
in Harvard Business School,
one is how to cope with defeat,
the other is how to handle a shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)

Well, you ask a silly question, and you get a silly answer.
- Tom Lehrer

If love is the answer,
could you please rephrase the question.
- Lily Tomlin

Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.
- Robert Byrne

The proper office of a friend is to side with you
when you are in the wrong.
Nearly anybody will side with you when you are in the right.
- Mark Twain

When your friends begin to flatter
you on how young you look,
it's a sure sign you're getting old.
- Mark Twain

There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch
too many of them together.
- Josh Billings

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly,
but I bet you ain't never seen a DONKEY fly!
- the movie Shrek (2001)

Never have more children than you have car windows.
- Erma Bombeck


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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.