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Gary Webb Quotes
Funny Quotes by Gary Webb

Let these funny Gary Webb Quotes lighten up your life. And check out the humorous quotes of many more funny authors in my large collection.

You can't believe the government - on anything.
And you especially can't believe them when they're
talking about important stuff.
- Gary Webb

After spending three years of my life looking into this,
I am more convinced than ever that the U.S.
government's responsibility for the drug problems in
South Central Los Angeles and other inner cities is
greater than I ever wrote in the newspaper.
- Gary Webb

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner PHOTO

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living;
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain PHOTO


 

Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer PHOTO

However beautiful the strategy,
you should occasionally look at the results.
- Winston Churchill PHOTO

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain (attributed) PHOTO


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If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999) PHOTO

Yesterday is like a dung heap;
you can complain about the smell,
or you can use it to fertilize tomorrow's garden.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie PHOTO

If you do what you've always done,
you'll get what you always got.
- Mark Twain PHOTO

You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.
- Harry S. Truman

You can lead a man to Congress,
but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -
and he's a priest.
- Erma Bombeck

Always end the name of your child with a vowel,
so that when you yell, the name will carry.
- Bill Cosby

Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove (1964)

I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell -
you see, I have friends in both places.
- Mark Twain

Marriage has no guarantees.
If that's what you're looking for,
go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck

If love is the answer,
could you please rephrase the question.
- Lily Tomlin

Any girl can be glamorous.
All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
- Hedy Lamarr

Oh no, I can't do anything to the death.
Doctor's orders. You see, I have this ulcer condition,
and death is the worst thing for it.
- the movie Love and Death

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
- Milton Berle

Well, you ask a silly question, and you get a silly answer.
- Tom Lehrer

And you just gotta remember, Sparky -
no matter what they tell you - you can NEVER have too much sugar.
- the movie Michael (1996)

When I first saw you, I thought you were handsome.
Then, of course, you spoke.
- the movie As Good As It Gets (1997)

Smoking kills.
If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
- Brooke Shields

The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

You know what? Maybe there's a good reason
donkeys shouldn't talk.
- the movie Shrek (2001)

I read that you should never go out with someone
if you can think of three reasons why you shouldn't.
- the movie Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly,
but I bet you ain't never seen a DONKEY fly!
- the movie Shrek (2001)

There are two things that are more difficult
than making an after-dinner speech:
climbing a wall which is leaning toward you
and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.
- Winston Churchill

You have to learn to push the guilt
under the rug and move on,
otherwise it overwhelms you.
- the Woody Allen movie Match Point

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as
you're insightful about it.
- Dennis Miller

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
- Erma Bombeck

Never have more children than you have car windows.
- Erma Bombeck

If you don't know where you are going,
you might wind up someplace else.
- Yogi Berra

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
- Steven Wright

If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
- Anonymous

California is a fine place to live -
if you happen to be an orange.
- Fred Allen

There's a couple of things they don't teach you
in Harvard Business School,
one is how to cope with defeat,
the other is how to handle a shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)

Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you;
she is after your barn.
- Hesiod

We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.
- Alanis Morissette

A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain

You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)

You want to do mankind a real service?
Tell funnier jokes.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories (1980)

A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles

My uncle Sammy was an angry man.
He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?
- Margaret Smith

The worst part of success is to try to find
someone who is happy for you.
- Bette Midler

No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have,
and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- the movie The Great Mouse Detective

Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.
- Robert Byrne

I don't need you to remind me of my age.
I have a bladder to do that for me.
- Stephen Fry

When everything comes your way
you're in the wrong lane.
- Anonymous

When your friends begin to flatter
you on how young you look,
it's a sure sign you're getting old.
- Mark Twain

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
- Bill Cosby

Now, if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you could lower your wand.
- the movie Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Ogden Nash

New Yorkers love it when you spill your guts out there.
Spill your guts at Wimbledon and they make you stop and clean it up.
- Jimmy Carter

One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories

You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs.
- Anonymous

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
- Phyllis Diller

You can put wings on a pig,
but you don't make it an eagle.
- William J. Clinton

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well,
no, I was an accountant.
- Ellen DeGeneres

You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek

Thank you, gentlemen. Someday I will repay you,
unless of course I can't find you, or if I forget.
- the movie Shrek 2

In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland

(Groom), take (Bride)'s hand and place your hand over hers.
Now, remember this moment and cherish it...
because this will be the last time you ever have the upper hand.
- Anonymous

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you
hear but forgetting where you heard it.
- Laurence J. Peter

I think you're the opposite of a paranoid.
I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands?
And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry.
- John Lennon


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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.