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Gale Gordon Quotes
Funny Quotes by Gale Gordon

Let these funny Gale Gordon Quotes lighten up your life. And check out the humorous quotes of many more funny authors in my large collection.

My wife and I love to read.
We're going to have to move out to make room for the books!
And we have our dogs.
- Gale Gordon

I've worked with very few that I considered unpleasant.
Dennis the Menace was a joy to work on.
- Gale Gordon

I had admired Richard Burton for years and years before
I had ever worked with him.
He was a great, great actor.
It was a joy to get to know him as a person.
- Gale Gordon

My voice, I have to say, is kind of miraculous because
I was born with a cleft palate.
- Gale Gordon


 

The last thing in the world I should have done was
go into the theater because was inordinately shy as a young man.
I couldn't open my mouth.
At a party, I was the one stuck up against the wall.
I was embarrassed about talking.
I felt that I couldn't talk well.
- Gale Gordon

I think anybody who has been in the theater,
prefers it.
Television is a...
factory.
You turn out things on a revolving assembly line.
You don't have time to perfect anything in television.
- Gale Gordon

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
- Lana Turner


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I have often wanted to drown my troubles,
but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
- Anonymous

I'm not a real movie star.
I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
- Will Rogers

I haven't spoken to my wife in years.
I didn't want to interrupt her.
- Rodney Dangerfield

A man likes his wife to be
just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness,
and just stupid enough to admire it.
- Israel Zangwill

My wife ran off with my best friend, and I sure do miss him.
- Anonymous

One man's folly is another man's wife.
- Helen Rowland

Don't forget Mother's Day.
Or as they call it in Beverly Hills,
Dad's Third Wife Day.
- Jay Leno

No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous

I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police
because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
- Ilie Nastase

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
- E. Joseph Cossman

Many a man owes his success to his first wife
and his second wife to his success.
- Jim Backus

My wife and I tried two or three times in the last 40 years
to have breakfast together,
but it was so disagreeable we had to stop.
- Winston Churchill

I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children
is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia:
it seemed like a good idea at the time.
- Bill Cosby

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage:
the wife is in charge.
- Bill Cosby

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde

My advice to you is get married:
if you find a good wife you'll be happy;
if not, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

By all means marry.
If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher
and that is a good thing for any man.
- Socrates

There's nothing like a good cheating song to make me
want to run home to be with my wife.
- Steven Curtis Chapman

It's tough to stay married.
My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I'm a fun father, but not a good father.
The hard decisions always went to my wife.
- John Lithgow

I don't think my wife likes me very much,
when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
- Frank Carson

The consumer isn't a moron; she is your wife.
- David Ogilvy

Choose a friend as thou dost a wife,
till death separate you.
- William Penn

We must respect the other fellow's religion,
but only in the sense and to the extent
that we respect his theory that
his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
- H. L. Mencken

My wife and I have so much fun when we travel and find anything...
like stray cats and squirrels.
- Eric Roberts

There's just me and my wife and a dog and we feed him Healthy Choice also.
- Mike Ditka

The man in our society is the breadwinner;
the woman has enough to do as the homemaker,
wife and mother.
- Dorothy Fields

Medicine is my lawful wife and literature my mistress;
when I get tired of one,
I spend the night with the other.
- Anton Chekhov

The woman is uniformly sacrificed to the wife and mother.
- Elizabeth Cady Stanton

There is nothing nobler or more admirable than when
two people who see eye to eye keep house as man and wife,
confounding their enemies and delighting their friends.
- Homer

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
- Michel de Montaigne

A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife together.
- James H. Boren

Caesar might have married Cleopatra,
but he had a wife at home.
There's always something.
- Will Cuppy

The comfortable estate of widowhood is the only hope
that keeps up a wife's spirits.
- John Gay

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy.
First, let her think she's having her own way.
And second, let her have it.
- Lyndon B. Johnson

He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher...
or, as his wife would have it, an idiot.
- Douglas Adams

Hubert Humphrey talks so fast that listening to him
is like trying to read Playboy magazine with your wife turning the pages.
- Barry Goldwater

A man's home is his wife's castle.
- Alexander Chase

A son is a son till he takes him a wife,
a daughter is a daughter all of her life.
- Irish Traditional

Let the wife make the husband glad to come home,
and let him make her sorry to see him leave.
- Martin Luther

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife
an electric skillet for her birthday.
- Erma Bombeck

A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
- Joey Adams

The true index of a man's character is the health of his wife.
- Cyril Connolly

He that loves not his wife and children feeds a lioness at home,
and broods a nest of sorrows.
- Jeremy Taylor

No man succeeds without a good woman behind him.
Wife or mother, if it is both, he is twice blessed indeed.
- Harold MacMillan

When a man opens a car door for his wife,
it's either a new car or a new wife.
- Prince Philip

If I had no family, my wife and I would lead a much
more romantic and nomadic existence.
- David McCallum

I got up with my wife, I sat down at the computer when she went to work,
and I didn't stop until she got home.
- George Stephen

Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife;
she has thought much worse things about you.
- Jean Rostand

A woman must combine the role of mother,
wife and politician.
- Emma Bonino

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge
than to let him keep her.
- Sacha Guitry

Basically my wife was immature.
I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
- Woody Allen

An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but
tries to be just as charming as if she weren't.
- Sacha Guitry

A man cannot speak to his son, but as a father;
to his wife, but as a husband;
to his enemy, but upon terms:
whereas a friend may speak, as the case requires,
and not as it sorteth with the person.
- Francis Bacon

Never in any case say I have lost such a thing, but I have returned it.
Is your child dead? It is a return. Is your wife dead? It is a return.
Are you deprived of your estate? Is not this also a return?
- Epictetus

We call that person who has lost his father,
an orphan; and a widower that man who has lost his wife.
But that man who has known the immense unhappiness of losing a friend,
by what name do we call him? Here every language is
silent and holds its peace in impotence.
- Joseph Roux

Do real life people actually fall in love
with the idea of being in love?
Unfortunately, it is actually quite common.
Someone wants desperately to have
the husband or wife of their dreams.
They visualize the vine-covered cottage
with the white picket fence.
They choose the colors for the nursery.
They design all the aspects of their married life.
A real person stands no chance of measuring up to those fantasies.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

The fact is that my wife if she had common sense would
have more power over me than any other whatsoever,
for my heart always alights upon the nearest perch.
- George Byron

I am a very committed wife.
And I should be committed too - for being married so many times.
- Elizabeth Taylor

People shop for a bathing suit with more care than
they do a husband or wife.
The rules are the same.
Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing.
Allow for room to grow.
- Erma Bombeck

I am glad to go with my wife and baby boy.
- Alex Campbell

My wife and I now live in the summers in northern Michigan
in an environment which is wonderfully conducive to research,
and where most of my work in the last 15 years has been done.
- Douglass North

A guy who'd cheat on his wife would cheat at cards.
- Texas Guinan

My wife has brought great beauty into my life.
And my daughter has brought me nothing but joy.
Those qualities were greatly lacking.
- Christopher Meloni


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All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.