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Gabriel Heatter Quotes
Funny Quotes by Gabriel Heatter

Let these funny Gabriel Heatter Quotes lighten up your life. And check out the humorous quotes of many more funny authors in my large collection.

If you were happy every day of your life you wouldn't be a human being,
you'd be a game show host.
- Gabriel Heatter

More power than all the success slogans ever penned
by human hand is the realization for every man that he has but one boss.
That boss is the man - he - himself.
- Gabriel Heatter

The only time some people work like a horse is when the boss rides them.
- Gabriel Heatter

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living;
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain PHOTO


 

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner PHOTO

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain (attributed) PHOTO

If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999) PHOTO


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Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer PHOTO

Yesterday is like a dung heap;
you can complain about the smell,
or you can use it to fertilize tomorrow's garden.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie PHOTO

If you do what you've always done,
you'll get what you always got.
- Mark Twain PHOTO

However beautiful the strategy,
you should occasionally look at the results.
- Winston Churchill PHOTO

The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

I read that you should never go out with someone
if you can think of three reasons why you shouldn't.
- the movie Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)

When everything comes your way
you're in the wrong lane.
- Anonymous

I don't need you to remind me of my age.
I have a bladder to do that for me.
- Stephen Fry

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
- Steven Wright

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb
cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
- Dave Barry

Thank you, gentlemen. Someday I will repay you,
unless of course I can't find you, or if I forget.
- the movie Shrek 2

Always remember the three magic words: You're right dear.
- Anonymous

I got a good mind to join a club
and beat you over the head with it.
- the Groucho Marx movie Duck Soup

(Groom), take (Bride)'s hand and place your hand over hers.
Now, remember this moment and cherish it...
because this will be the last time you ever have the upper hand.
- Anonymous

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as
you're insightful about it.
- Dennis Miller

You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.
- Harry S. Truman

Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.
- Robert Byrne

DON'T get officious.
You're not yourself when you're officious -
That is the curse of a government job.
- the movie Harold and Maude (1971)

Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

If you don't know where you are going,
you might wind up someplace else.
- Yogi Berra

In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland

Any girl can be glamorous.
All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
- Hedy Lamarr

Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you;
she is after your barn.
- Hesiod

Well, you ask a silly question, and you get a silly answer.
- Tom Lehrer

You know what? Maybe there's a good reason
donkeys shouldn't talk.
- the movie Shrek (2001)

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender,
but you don't have a top for it.
- Jerry Seinfeld

And you just gotta remember, Sparky -
no matter what they tell you - you can NEVER have too much sugar.
- the movie Michael (1996)

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
- Bill Cosby

You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
- Milton Berle

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
- Erma Bombeck

He early on let her know who is the boss.
He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."
- Anonymous humor

Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek

Marriage has no guarantees.
If that's what you're looking for,
go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck

Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove (1964)

I think you're the opposite of a paranoid.
I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
- Joe E. Lewis

New Yorkers love it when you spill your guts out there.
Spill your guts at Wimbledon and they make you stop and clean it up.
- Jimmy Carter

Where did you park the invisible car?
- the movie Megamind (2010)

Tragedy is when I cut my finger.
Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
- Mel Brooks

You want to do mankind a real service?
Tell funnier jokes.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories (1980)

A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles

There are two things that are more difficult
than making an after-dinner speech:
climbing a wall which is leaning toward you
and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.
- Winston Churchill

You'll live to be a hundred if you give up
all the things that make you want to.
- the movie Interiors

California is a fine place to live -
if you happen to be an orange.
- Fred Allen

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
- Phyllis Diller

We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.
- Alanis Morissette

You have to learn to push the guilt
under the rug and move on,
otherwise it overwhelms you.
- the Woody Allen movie Match Point

You can lead a man to Congress,
but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle

You can put wings on a pig,
but you don't make it an eagle.
- William J. Clinton

You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs.
- Anonymous

Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

My uncle Sammy was an angry man.
He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?
- Margaret Smith

Recession is when a neighbor loses his job.
Depression is when you lose yours.
- Ronald Reagan

Afraid? Me? A man who's licked
his weight in wild caterpillars?
Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!
- Groucho Marx

Half the people you know are below average.
- Anonymous

To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Ogden Nash

Of all the things that could frighten you,
you worry about my driving?
- Edward, from Twilight saga by Stephenie Meyer

Now, if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you could lower your wand.
- the movie Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Oh, Shrek. Don't worry.
Things just seem bad because it's dark and rainy
and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you.
- the movie Shrek 2

Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands?
And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry.
- John Lennon

You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch

If love is the answer,
could you please rephrase the question.
- Lily Tomlin


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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.