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Erma Bombeck Quotes
Funny Quotes by Erma Bombeck

Let these funny Erma Bombeck Quotes lighten up your life. And check out the humorous quotes of many more funny authors in my large collection.

Marriage has no guarantees.
If that's what you're looking for,
go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
- Erma Bombeck

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -
and he's a priest.
- Erma Bombeck

If life is a bowl of cherries, then what am I doing in the pits?
- Erma Bombeck


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Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand PHOTO

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner PHOTO

Marriage is a wonderful institution,
but who would want to live in an institution?
- H. L. Mencken


 

A man's friendships are, like his will,
invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated
by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henny Youngman

The four most important words in any marriage...
"I'll do the dishes."
- Anonymous

Marriage is a fine institution -
but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West

Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.
- Anonymous

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner

I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

Whenever I date a guy, I think,
"Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner

Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
- Mae West

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller

I have often wanted to drown my troubles,
but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
- Anonymous

Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein

You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Always remember the three magic words: You're right dear.
- Anonymous

Husbands should be like Kleenex:
soft, strong, and disposable.
- the movie Clue (1985)

There are four stages in a marriage.
First there's the affair,
then the marriage,
then children
and finally the fourth stage,
without which you cannot know a woman, the divorce.
- Norman Mailer

When I eventually met Mr. Right
I had no idea that his first name was Always.
- Rita Rudner

In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland

I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police
because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
- Ilie Nastase

A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire

No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous

He early on let her know who is the boss.
He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."
- Anonymous humor

A man likes his wife to be
just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness,
and just stupid enough to admire it.
- Israel Zangwill

(Groom), take (Bride)'s hand and place your hand over hers.
Now, remember this moment and cherish it...
because this will be the last time you ever have the upper hand.
- Anonymous

They have come up with a perfect understanding.
He won't try to run her life,
and he won't try to run his, either.
- Anonymous

It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous

When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland

The Wedding March always reminds me of the music
played when soldiers go into battle.
- Heinrich Heine

Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West

One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin

I think men who have a pierced ear
are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner

Marriage is neither heaven nor hell,
it is simply purgatory.
- Abraham Lincoln

Many a man owes his success to his first wife
and his second wife to his success.
- Jim Backus

To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Ogden Nash

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
- Anonymous

My wife and I tried two or three times in the last 40 years
to have breakfast together,
but it was so disagreeable we had to stop.
- Winston Churchill

My advice to you is get married:
if you find a good wife you'll be happy;
if not, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water.
After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
- Minnie Pearl

Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband
a month before she marries him
and what she thinks of him a year afterward,
and you will have the truth about him.
- H. L. Mencken

In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar -
a practice which is still continued.
- Helen Rowland

One should always be in love.
That is the reason one should never marry.
- Oscar Wilde

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
- Groucho Marx

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
- Samuel Johnson [also attributed to Oscar Wilde]

One should never know too precisely
whom one has married
- Friedrich Nietzsche

Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes
in the hope of pulling out an eel.
- Leonardo da Vinci

There is more of good nature than of good sense
at the bottom of most marriages.
- Henry David Thoreau

Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
- Anonymous

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde

I have great hopes that we shall love each other all our lives
as much as if we had never married at all.
- Lord Byron

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
- Anonymous

A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother
why the bride changed her mind.
What do you mean? responded her mother.
Well, she went down the aisle with one man,
and came back with another.
- Anonymous

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
- Benjamin Franklin

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
- Gilbert (G. K.) Chesterton

This day I will marry my friend,
the one I laugh with, live for, dream with, love.
- Anonymous

Every good relationship, especially marriage, is based on respect.
If it's not based on respect,
nothing that appears to be good will last very long.
- Amy Grant

Every relationship is just so tenuous and precarious.
- Larry David

By all means marry.
If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher
and that is a good thing for any man.
- Socrates

Each relationship nurtures a strength or weakness within you.
- Mike Murdock

When you make the sacrifice in marriage,
you're sacrificing not to each other
but to unity in a relationship.
- Joseph Campbell

The one who loves the least, controls the relationship.
- Robert Anthony

Marriage, ultimately, is the practice of
becoming passionate friends.
- Harville Hendrix

Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck.
If you live through it, you start looking
very carefully to the right and to the left.
- Jean Kerr


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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie


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