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Let these funny Bertrand Russell Quotes lighten up your life. And check out the humorous quotes of many more funny authors in my large collection.
It is the things for which there is no evidence
that are believed with passion.
- Bertrand Russell
Man is a credulous animal, and must believe something;
in the absence of good grounds for belief,
he will be satisfied with bad ones.
- Bertrand Russell
The whole problem with the world is that
fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves,
but wiser people so full of doubts.
- Bertrand Russell
I am firm; YOU are obstinate; HE is a pig-headed fool.
- Bertrand Russell
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Neither a man nor a crowd nor a nation
can be trusted to act humanely
or to think sanely under the influence of a great fear.
- Bertrand Russell
The only thing that will redeem mankind is cooperation.
- Bertrand Russell
Collective fear stimulates herd instinct,
and tends to produce ferocity toward
those who are not regarded as members of the herd.
- Bertrand Russell
If an opinion contrary to your own makes you angry,
that is a sign that you are subconsciously aware
of having no good reason for thinking as you do.
- Bertrand Russell
To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom.
- Bertrand Russell
Conventional people are roused to fury
by departure from convention,
largely because they regard such departure
as a criticism of themselves.
- Bertrand Russell
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown
is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
- Bertrand Russell
A widespread belief is more often likely
to be foolish than sensible.
- Bertrand Russell
One should respect public opinion insofar
as is necessary to avoid starvation and keep out of prison,
but anything that goes beyond this
is voluntary submission to an unnecessary tyranny.
- Bertrand Russell
Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache.
- Mae West 
There's a couple of things they don't teach you
in Harvard Business School,
one is how to cope with defeat,
the other is how to handle a shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)
Still, things could be a lot worse.
Oh, that's right... I'm falling to my death. Guess they can't.
- the movie Megamind (2010)
Oh, Shrek. Don't worry.
Things just seem bad because it's dark and rainy
and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you.
- the movie Shrek 2
Two things are infinite:
the universe and human stupidity;
and I'm not sure about the universe.
- Albert Einstein
What this country needs is a credit card for
charging things to experience.
- Tom Wilson
One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin
You'll live to be a hundred if you give up
all the things that make you want to.
- the movie Interiors
Of all the things that could frighten you,
you worry about my driving?
- Edward, from Twilight saga by Stephenie Meyer
There are two things that are more difficult
than making an after-dinner speech:
climbing a wall which is leaning toward you
and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.
- Winston Churchill
Things have never been more like the way they are today in history.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
Two things a man should never be angry at:
what he can help,
and what he cannot help.
- Thomas Fuller
Facts are stubborn things,
but statistics are more pliable.
- Laurence J. Peter
Some things will never seem adequate
no matter how hard we try.
- from the movie White Man's Burden
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful,
natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
- Steve Martin
Except in cases of necessity, which are rare,
leave your friend to learn
unpleasant things from his enemies;
they are ready enough to tell them.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
The devil has put a penalty on all things we enjoy in life.
Either we suffer in health or we suffer in soul or we get fat.
- Albert Einstein
Sometimes I've believed as many as
six impossible things before breakfast.
- Lewis Carroll
The trouble with having an open mind, of course,
is that people will insist on coming along
and trying to put things in it.
- Terry Pratchett
Things may come to those who wait,
but only the things left by those who hustle.
- Abraham Lincoln
The trouble with the world is not
that people know too little,
but that they know so many things that ain't so.
- Mark Twain
Why, sometimes I've believed as many as
six impossible things before breakfast.
- Lewis Carroll
Only two things are infinite,
the universe and human stupidity,
and I'm not sure about the former.
- Albert Einstein
Few things are harder to put up with
than the annoyance of a good example.
- Mark Twain
"The time has come," the walrus said, "to talk of many things:
of shoes and ships - and sealing wax - of cabbages and kings."
- Lewis Carroll
The man who can smile when things go wrong
has thought of someone else he can blame it on.
- Robert Bloch
True believers just don't see things the way they are,
because if they did, they wouldn't be true believers anymore.
- Philip Caputo
Too many people spend money they haven't earned,
to buy things they don't want,
to impress people they don't like.
- Will Rogers
One of the annoying things about believing in free will
and individual responsibility is the difficulty
of finding somebody to blame your problems on.
And when you do find somebody, it's remarkable
how often his picture turns up on your driver's license.
- P. J. O'Rourke
Belief is a virus, and once it gets into you,
its first order of business is to preserve itself,
and the way it preserves itself
is to keep you from having any doubts,
and the way it keeps you from doubting
is to blind you to the way things really are.
- Philip Caputo
Our lives begin to end the day we become silent
about things that matter.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance:
It attempts to work things out so that
everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from
getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff.
- George Carlin
I believe that everything happens for a reason.
People change so that you can learn to let go,
things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right,
you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself,
and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
- Marilyn Monroe
I am one with the Earth,
with the Water, with the Fire,
with the Air that I breathe,
with all Living Things,
and we are all one with Spirit.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Don't underestimate the value of Doing Nothing,
of just going along,
listening to all the things you can't hear,
and not bothering.
- A. A. Milne (Winnie-The-Pooh)
All things at first appear difficult.
- Chinese proverb
I Dream This Day of Wondrous Things,
of Peace and Hope and Pride.
I Dance My Dance with Life Today,
I'm Filled with Love Inside.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Sometimes I wonder if we shall ever grow up
in our politics and say definite things which mean something,
or whether we shall always go on using generalities
to which everyone can subscribe, and which mean very little.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.
- Reinhold Niebuhr (Serenity Prayer)
Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves
to recognize how good things really are.
- Marianne Williamson
Everything is a miracle,
not just the beautiful and lovely things.
- Anonymous
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed
by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do.
So throw off the bowlines.
Sail away from the safe harbor.
Catch the trade winds in your sails.
Explore. Dream. Discover.
- widely misattributed to Mark Twain
A time for work, a time for play -
balance in all things.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
We don't see things as they are,
we see things as we are.
- Anais Nin
All things share the same breath -
the beast, the tree, the man...
the air shares its spirit with all the life it supports.
- Chief Seattle (attributed)
Times like these, dark times,
they do funny things to people.
They can tear them apart.
- the movie Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (2009)
He who trusts all things to chance,
makes a lottery of his life
- Proverb
If we all did the things we are capable of doing,
we would literally astound ourselves.
- Thomas Edison
Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back
and realize they were the big things.
- Robert Brault
"Sometimes," said Pooh, "the smallest things take up the most room in your heart."
- A. A. Milne (Winnie-The-Pooh)
Normally, we do not so much look at things as overlook them.
- Alan Watts
You will do foolish things,
but do them with enthusiasm.
- Colette
There's no tragedy in life like the death of a child.
Things never get back to the way they were.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
Inspire people to do things for themselves.
Inspire people to think for themselves.
- Bono
It all depends on how we look at things,
and not how they are in themselves.
- Carl Jung
I was thinking that I might fly today.
Just to disprove all the things you say...
please be careful with me, I'm sensitive,
and I'd like to stay that way.
- Jewel
Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man
... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do
every minute of every day. And the invisible man
has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do.
And if you do any of these things,
he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire
and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever,
and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream,
until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you.
He loves you and he needs money.
- George Carlin
Most of us are prisoners of habit,
and don't even notice that we do the same things,
think the same things, want the same things each day -
mostly without conscious thought.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.